Anyone got a funnel? The joy of providing a urine sample

Without wanting to put too fine a point on it, when us ladies have to provide a urine sample, it’s a tad more difficult to do so than for male patients. Put it this way, without a fair bit of limbering up, arm gymnastics and serious danger of an unpleasant splash zone, I have very little chance of hitting that specimen pot.   Luckily someone at some point had the bright idea of a specially shaped cardboard container to help. Made out of cardboard, small and triangular with a helpful handle and a pouring edge to get it into the bottle once you’ve done.    So far so good – except they’re like gold dust.  You can get the great big bedpan type ones, but getting your precious sample from one of them into a small sample jar without a funnel  is like trying to pour a large glass of red wine back into the bottle.  You’re heading for disaster and likely to end up with the urinary equivalent of a red stain on the carpet.   No, it’s the small ones we need but they seem to be in very short supply.   I once had an outpatients nurse look furtively around the department saying “Quick take that before anyone sees.  I’m not supposed to hand them out”.

Anyone know how much they cost? 3p? 4p? Surely not 10p? Tell you what, NHS, I’ll buy one off you.  It’ll save me getting wee on my best jumper.   How about a vending machine, strategically placed next to the loo? Or put them in as a free gift with Take a Break magazine?   Until this changes, women all over the land will continue to use kitchen bowls, saucepans,  flower vases , whatever comes to hand really.  Then we’ll watch silently in horror as our families make gravy in the measuring jug we last used in the bathroom.

2 thoughts on “Anyone got a funnel? The joy of providing a urine sample”

  1. Ha ha, priceless! I got my kids to get me a she-wee for my birthday after experiencing being stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway and getting more than desperate. If only I had had one and a empty litre bottle. I wonder I didn’t burst a gasket!

    And now you say cardboard she-wees are in short supply – have you tried doing searches inside handbags as they go out the hospital exit? – absolutely brilliant!

  2. I smuggled one out in my handbag once. Now kept at home for emergencies – but maybe I should go for a she-wee! Thanks for the comment.

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