In case you haven’t realised it yet, your time in hospital will be split as follows. 1% Treatment. 99% Waiting for Treatment.
If you are very seriously ill then the 99% will pass in a blur and it won’t matter. But for most of us, while being in hospital can be depressing, painful, stressful, and so on, the worst thing about it is the tedium. If your ailments don’t get you, then there is a real possibility you could actually end up being bored to death.
You might think ‘Ah well. I can use the time to do something worthwhile. Write a book. Learn how to crochet. Become fluent in Mandarin.’ Forget it. You simply don’t have the brainpower because of all the depression, pain and stress in the last paragraph. Even reading something really simple can just feel like too much effort.
You know you’re in the grips of tediumitis when you start taking an unhealthy interest in the slightest movement in the ward. When you find yourself putting down Take a Break magazine to watch someone empty the bin, you need help.
So in the fine tradition of blogging lists, here is my list of five ways to keep yourself occupied on the ward without putting too much effort into it.
- Listen in to other people’s conversations. It’s unavoidable, so for the only time in your life , completely guilt-free. Be as nosey as you like. People have really in-depth, interesting discussions in hospital, ranging from ‘What’s wrong with my bowels?’ to whispered ‘ What ARE we going to do with Grandma when she gets out?’ If the curtains are drawn around the bed, strain your ears as much as you like. If they are open, try to show a little discretion. I once had a family of six who were visiting the next bed, actually turn their chairs round so they could hear better what my doctor was saying.
- Hospital Bingo. You can make up your own list of phrases to tick off of course but here are a few to start you off. Have you got good veins? (Normally said by a nervous nurse with a needle.) Are my pills ready to take home? (Normally said at 7pm by a patient who was told he could go home at 10am.). Here’s your toast and it’s warm. (Never comes up).
- Read your hospital notes. If they’ll let you. If you manage to get past the ridiculous hospital procedures about whether you can or not, (another blog post pending), then reading your notes is extremely interesting. Not only do you find out what you’ve got (which is often difficult to get out of the doctors themselves), you also sometimes find out what they actually think of you in their letters to each other. I once read one which started ‘Thank you for referring this extremely pleasant lady to me.’ Really? Of course if you’re a cantankous old moaner then you might not like what you read. But then you could always write a few complaint letters. That would use up a bit of time.
- Work out who is the most irritating patient on the ward. Points for snoring, whinging, not using their headphones for the TV, telling you over and over again about the intricacies of their illness, being unfortunate enough to be hooked up to a constantly beeping machine ( not their fault but hey), taking an hour in the shower, having more pillows than you, and generally just staring at you across the ward alot. Playing the game won’t make them less irritating ..but at least in conducting a scientific study, you can tell your visitors emphatically ‘The most irritating person on here is that woman over there.’
- Finally if all those fail, there’s one more thing to try to avoid boredom in hospital. Next time the nurse comes round, try playing dead. That should liven things up.